It seemed like it was always 2am– but the other 23 hours looked so similar.
Awake.
raw.
churning in waves of devastation and fear confused by the sudden bouts of caffeinated joy and a factless belief I could do anything.
The bay window became my only home, an Ikea green fake leather club chair, the stains on the window where the now dead dog would not stop licking. dead plants reminding me how much I had let go. It seemed like I was always right there, no matter how hard I tried to be somewhere else.
I worked, took my kid to school, laughed and ate hummus nearly all the time– but all was not well.
I was upside down, torn apart.
I was gutted.
hollow.
vacant like a body after its person has died.
Ravenous to figure my life out.
But I was also still me, or a version of me. Hilarious. generous. surrounded by a simple grace I could grasp.
Amidst the swirly pain and a hundred self help books that didn’t help at all, I decided one day to write my own horoscope, something I know nothing about and have zero reasons to believe in; here’s what I came up with:
“Scorpio: As the planet shifts and the culture grows into more conducive alignment with who you are and how you move in the world, the feelings of being out of place, out of time, out of rhythm will start to fall away. your spirit is taking over as your shadows fracture, slowly then quickly, into particles your heart can no longer feel. Your time is now to rest assuredly in the knowing that all is well, all is divine, all is meant to be. Your time is now to live in insouciance. To know, really and deeply know, you can’t make wrong choices, you can’t take too big a risk, you can not, absolutely cannot arrive into your next decade of seasons feeling unsupported.
you are golden. steel. blurred lines. incongruency.
You are the meadow, the oaks, Sunday morning ease and the sound of a flute playing for the last time.”
I don’t want to explain it, but this really helped me. How about you write yours? I’d love you to send it to me. tape it on your wall. live it vibrantly. Or, burn it out back in your pit. Same, same.
If that doesn’t help, I also love this graceful little 5-step philosophy I use often to get unstuck and make better choices:
- love what we do
- Fiercely help others
- Build relationships and trust
- Be curious and grow.
- Celebrate
